Thanks to Brexit, Theresa May’s Plughole Parliament was sucked down through ever-decreasing circles to its own doom.
It has been replaced by Boris Johnson’s Whirlpool administration, in which the process is much faster and it explodes in flames the minute you get it home.
On the first day he faced any sort of scrutiny, this charismatic and proven winner, who had promised to unite the country, spaffed his majority up the wall and lost his first vote.
He followed through by minting 21 fresh enemies, and is set to lose his second vote which this Eton and Oxford-educated millionaire – who once vowed to restore Parliamentary sovereignty and confound the elites – has already pledged to ignore.
It’s no wonder he wanted Parliament shut. Only Day 3, and it’s already shat in his lunchbox and flushed his pants down the bog.
But when Parliament orders him to get a deal, which we all know he can’t because unicorns cannot be negotiated into existence, he will refuse rather than admit his own moral, political and intellectual failures.
Unable to reverse or to govern, he will be forced to ask Parliament nicely if it will let him have a general election.
But Parliament really ought to tell him to futue te ipsum, as the Romans were fond of saying, and here’s why.
1. Parliamentary sovereignty. It just is
2. The election Johnson wants would straddle the October 31 Brexit deadline and force No Deal on a country that is ill-prepared for the hell the last two governments have predicted it will unleash
3. An election in the current climate would likely return another hung Parliament, and resolve nothing. A Corbyn government, or a government of national unity, faces precisely the same Gordian s**t-knot
4. It is infinitely preferable that Johnson and Cummings are forced to suck that up for as long as possible, seeing as it is the thing they curled out on the carpet 3 years ago
5. What Parliament must do is give him the general election the people need, and which would extinguish this gammon-fed rage-spiral for good
Every reasonable human knows the above. The only people who argue for the crappest Brexit possible, call Jeremy Corbyn a hypocrite for not doing what they want at a time of their choosing, and think that burning the house down is a productive enterprise are idiots, Tories who’ve had too much mustard up the bum, and Russian bots.
For once, Parliament is on Corbyn’s side. Or he’s on theirs. They all know the election they must call is the one in which Johnson would lose.
The one where his only Brexit idea, which is to not have one, has been trashed. Where the election he wanted has been denied. Where he has been forced, by the courts or Parliament, to sign the letter written by his own rebels asking the EU for another extension.
A general election with a Prime Minister increasingly lost in his own minority, who is unable to pass laws, unable to hold government, party or country together, and who will be holed up in Downing Street in the no man’s land of November.
You can’t just have a vote because Johnson wants one. He wanted Brexit, and look where that’s got us.
Voting got us into this mess, and only voting will get us out. A vote must therefore be held, but only after Johnson has had his legs chopped off one wafer-thin slice at a time.
When Johnson looks like what he is – a mendacious man angered by his own incompetence at convincing the world of his brilliance – is both the morally, and politically, correct time to ask people for their judgement of his abilities.
For a man who studied the Classics, you think he’d have taken more note of what the Greeks said about hubris.
The Corbynistas will be hoping for utopia, and the Tories will be hoping Uxbridge bins Boris while they survive. We shall see. But however you intend to vote, there are two delicious facts worth savouring amid the chaos.
The first is that, had Johnson flipped the coin differently and backed Remain, his 2016-vintage charm might have been enough to unite the Tories, and secure a clear victory. The economy would be booming, austerity would have ended, and Johnson would have a good chance of inheriting a sizeable majority heading into a 2020 general election which he might have very well won.
The vacuity inside his head would never have been exposed. His lack of principle would be a matter for his private life. His temper, waffle, and lies would be eccentricities rather than constitutional threats. It is Brexit which revealed all that.
And the second thing is that all the problems Johnson now wrestles with – the Brexit Party, the EU, Northern Ireland, a broken party, a recalcitrant Parliament, a logic cul-de-sac that has become a deadly and unsolvable riddle – are all due to the actions of his biggest enemy from school.
People have had enough of Brexit. They are on the streets shouting for the chance to get it over with.
Johnson always wanted to be ‘World King’, and because he did not believe he should have to wait any longer he made the nation back a horse which has since kicked the stable to splinters.
Now he must be made to ride it, and tied to its back until they are both exhausted.
Then we must show him why you don’t piss around with democracy, and vote to release him from his hell only when it’s taught him the lesson he has clearly yet to learn.